and at the end of the night, he tiptoed his confidence into the corner booth.
as you unzip your trousers
i want to cry.
in the lonely woods:
our fingers intertwined,
the twigs clasped
even in nature’s
i shifted my hip
and leaned on you.
- Nicholas Sanbor: It’s a bummer of a song. But eventually redemptive.
- Amelia Randall Meath: You fall in love for the first time… it’s like coming up for air. And all of a sudden you’re like, “Oh my god! Life is like this!” Then you totally fuck that one up. And then you fall in love again… and it’s the same exact feeling again. You’re like, “I feel euphoric, but I know this feeling of euphoria.”
- NS: The idea that the specialness…
- ARM: … Isn’t special.
- NS: It’s replicable. You know, when you first feel that, that’s a really upsetting thing to realize. But then, that actually is a beautiful loop to be in. That we can make this happen over and over again — that our lives are this emotional loop in progression.
- ARM: And then you understand that you can keep on working on making a perfect loop.
You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch.
Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.
You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like.
If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.
Set fire to your old self. It’s not needed here. It’s too busy shopping, gossiping about others, and watching days go by and asking why you haven’t gotten as far as you’d like. This old self will die and be forgotten by all but family, and replaced by someone who makes a difference.
Your new self is not like that. Your new self is the Great Chicago Fire—overwhelming, overpowering, and destroying everything that isn’t necessary.
after the night was over,
the next morning
at dawn, we held each other.
the room smelled like butter.
I’m convinced they were the same person. In sartorial clairvoyance, and in boisterous personality.